a thousand years away

Why that time? I condemned myself...



You really got me good.

It's a stupid thing to think, even more so to say, but still: I suppose, in a way, that it's your fault. You couldn't even let me die in peace. You had to take me a thousand years away from everything I ever cared for, to fulfill the promise I made to the one I was so terrified of losing.

Yeah, I'm talking about you. You and all the stupid things you said and did, you never realized the full impact of it all. You made me want to die. You made me want to live. And I did both, with your name on my lips and heart, burned into my flesh.

I wanted to hate you, from the very first time I saw your arrogant smirk and your scarred body that reflected my soul, I knew that it would hurt me if I didn't. Braska didn't understand that, though, as well as he knew me. Maybe he just thought I was jealous. It might have been stupid superstition, but somehow, I just knew. I was right, though, wasn't I?

I wonder if you remember like I do, or if Sin has tainted it irreparably. Do you ever want to forget? Yevon knows I do, but I'm afraid that if I did, there would be no reason to live anymore, and I don't think I've done all you wanted me to, just yet.

I live by memory, I think. Every time I close my eyes, I see you: the way you smiled, and laughed, and wore that secretive, almost angry expression that meant you wanted to break down and cry. You were softer than you wanted us to know, and I never told you how well I understood. I wanted some of that softness. I liked the way my hand looked on your head, threading through your thick hair while you slept -- somehow, it made my heavy callused hands look like they could be anyone's.

When you held me, I felt like I could be soft, too.

I wonder how you felt. Did you really care, or was it just some loneliness for your home that was mistaken for love? I know you said you loved me, but I also know you loved the ones you left behind. Was it the same? Heh, listen to me, ever doubting, never content with the knowledge I possess.

Damn me, Jecht, I wish I were there. I will always hate it, knowing I'm not, knowing you took my place because I wasn't strong enough to accept the fate you and Braska had. You had so much more, everything I ever cared for was taken when you walked through that door. It should have been you to go home, to your Zanarkand. She would have lived, and you would have raised your son together. Maybe he wouldn't hate you. I wonder if he understands how much it hurts to hear him speak of you with so much hatred in his voice. I wish I could speak in your defense, but his eyes are clouded and he would not accept my truth.

In the presence of my struggle, he stands firm with fire in his eyes and calls you a traitor. But I know it is not so; if there is anyone to blame, it is me. And even now, I am too cowardly to say that much. Maybe it's because I still fear that you are angry with me for leaving you to die, when it should have been me. I refused to die, because I couldn't face you again if I'd given my up the life you saved so easily. If he, too, were to hate me, I don't know what I'd do.

It is the tree I love, and not the fruit, but Tidus and my memories are all I have left of you. And truthfully, I'm afraid to lose either.

If you can hear me, listen to me now. I'm coming, and this time, I'll save you. It won't be long, now...

- fin

Song used: Iris, by Live.