reflections from the inside

kiss me while I'm still alive
kill me while I kiss the sky




I used to feel you. I used to see you.

I watched everything happen, from that time when we were seperated for good. Damn, it seems like so long ago, but then again, it's kinda hard to tell time in here. You were such an idiot, you stick; what the hell were you thinking? Anyone could see that trying to attack that woman was hopeless, not even a tough guy like you could survive. I sure as hell know I couldn't, and I'm not real big on admitting stuff like that.

Was that why you did it? I know how you felt about Braska. Hell, I felt it too, maybe even from that first time you two came in to get me. He was like the ocean's tide; no matter how you tried, you couldn't resist the pull. But you made me a promise. I wasn't afraid, even when she was kicking your ass across the remains of what I once knew as home. I knew that you would never break a promise, even to a drunk fuck-up like me.

But I'm more than that now, you know? Not like it's something to be proud of or anything. I wonder how you feel about that. I knew what I was getting into, but man, I never thought it would be like this. When I got into this, I thought that I would be smart enough to figure something out. I didn't think I'd still be myself, but not.

Sometimes it gets a little fuzzy up here, you know? Here in my head. Sometimes it gets real hard to think.

I'm glad it's not you in here. I know that much, for sure.

Cuz I don't know if I could do to you what I want you to do to me.

I think that you used to hear me, too. Sometimes, when I was watching you -- you'd be out by the dock or something, staring out at nothing -- I always felt bad for you, cuz you were wearing that frown. Not the one with the glare, the one I always got, but the frown you wore when you were thinking hard about things. Maybe I was hoping, but I'd be watching you, and I'd sing that song. You know the one I mean? And sometimes, when I'd sing, you'd look up and you'd smile.

You used to smile like that for Braska. And sometimes, I'd like to think you'd smile like that for me.

Nowadays, it's getting real hard to see you anymore. I see a lot of stuff in here, little bits and pieces of other folks' memories, parts of the beings that are now just bricks in the wall I can't get around. I've never seen him, though, and I'm glad about that.

I've watched you gettin' older (you look like an old man, already), watched the grey creeping into your hair like dawn sneakin' up on the night, and it kinda makes me feel funny, cuz I haven't changed at all. I'm just...here. I don't think I'm ever getting out.

But sometimes, Life's a real bitch. And then you die. Heh. I like it; it's kinda been my mantra since I got here. Hell, maybe longer than that.

You're coming, aren't you? You know what to do?

I don't really think I can see you at all, now, cuz the things I'm seeing don't change anymore. I'm not really me now, I don't think. It sounds funny, I know, but I think you'd understand.

Maybe it stopped mattering, cuz I'm starting not to care that it might be only memories, sunny liquid dreams in my leaking blitz sphere of happiness. Something's in here, and it's not me.

It isn't stopping me. I close my eyes and I keep seeing things.

You'll stop me, won't you?

-fin



Song used: Call me Call me, from a Cowboy Bebop OST.